Remember These 4 Things During Pregnancy
When it comes to pregnancy, it’s not uncommon to be bombarded with pregnancy advice from so many indivduals, solicited and unsolicited, helpful and unhelpful. It is so funny to me that every women who has been pregnant comes out of the woodwork to share their story and give their advice. Being pregnant, I noticed, opens an invisible door for everyone, their mother’s, and their mother’s mother to share their piece of the pie. It’s cute, actually, to see women come together to support one another through such a transitional, transformational time in life. However, it can be quite overwhelming at times, too. Especially when the advice is unsolicited and comparable to their own personal experiences. Granted, me opening up about my journey through pregnancy with other women who have had babies of their own can, in many cases, be interpreted as an open invitation for them to share their stories, too.
For example, sometimes women who have had a more manageable pregnancy can compare their journey to those who haven’t, and vise versa. When I was pregnant, before I knew the pain I was experiencing was sciatica, I figured the pain was coming from my shifting ligaments in my pelvis and that because I’ve always had a naturally tiny frame and structure, perhaps that was why the pain in my hips was so intense. I had one woman, who is also very skinny, say “Well I am skinny too like you and I didn’t experience anything like that.” Congratulations girl, I am so happy for you. And your point is? I thought.
Then there are women who seem to lack compassion or hold little to no space for another’s current reality. For example, when I was pregnant, I was telling another woman about how I had been having a hard time sleeping due to insomnia earlier in my pregnancy. Their response was “Ha—well get used to it, because when that baby comes, you’re going to be sleeping a lot less than you are now.” No shit, I thought, and how is that supposed to help me in this very moment?
Then there are the women who tell you how you “should” feel. In the beginning of my pregnancy, I was emotionally having a hard time with anxiety. And while I was so grateful for our baby to come, with the help of little to no sleep, little to no food due to the morning sickness, and the fact that I was going through an extremely life-changing event, my nervous system was dysregulated and while I felt happy, I also felt anxious and even doubtful. I had one woman tell me, “You should just be happy! This should be the most happiest time of your life!” Not only does advice like this implement shame for something one may not be experiencing in full, but it also can make a person shut down and hide their experiences with those around them due to a fear of judgment, pregnant or not. I am so happy, I thought, but I can be scared, too. Feelings can coexist and they more than likely will.
Then there are the women who have a clear understanding that every pregnancy journey is different and there is not a “one-size-fits-all” when it comes to growing an entire human being inside you. And this, I appreciate, because this gives each and every woman who is going through the journey to have the space for their own, unique experience.
Nothing is inherently “wrong” or “right” with each of these pieces of advice, because at the end of the day, it could be just the person’s way of trying to offer support and love in the best way that they know how to. Does that support and love always look “supportive" or “loving”? Not necessarily, but it doesn’t have to. Are some pieces of advice more unhelpful and helpful than others? Absolutely.
Ultimately, you have the choice to take what is given to you and leave the rest.
Here are the top 4 most helpful pieces of advice I have received during pregnancy:
1) Don’t listen to anyone’s advice.
Ironically, not listening to anyone’s advice turned out to be my favorite piece of advice I have received during my pregnancy, thanks to my mother-in-law. I am not obligated to listen to anyone’s advice unless I want to. And, because many women who have been pregnant will share their stories, solicited or unsolicited, I am not obligated to hold onto any of it if I don’t feel called to. I will let them talk and share with me, and I appreciate their time and energy, however I can choose if I want to carry their words with me or not. If their story resonates, then maybe I will. If it does not, I will keep it in the back of my mind and move on with my day. Just because someone experienced one thing, doesn’t mean they have all the answers.
2) Listen to your body.
Listening to your body is so, so vital because your body holds the keys to communication and provides you with the direction ahead. If you need to rest and take a nap, then do it. If you are experiencing pain, then maybe you can move more slowly, intentionally, and honorably for your body. If you are feeling energized and motivated, maybe you can move your body through exercise, creativity, or whatever else it is you feel called to do. Are you craving a certain foods? Perhaps your body is lacking in certain vitamins or minerals and is telling you through a subtle craving. (When I say subtle, I don’t mean the constant hunger for double chocolate cake or french fries every day.) For me, I would randomly get yearnings for fish. Perhaps my vessel needed more Omega-3s and was hinting to me through this quiet, yet noticeable crave.
3) Everyone’s body is different.
This one can go hand-in-hand with the “Listen to your body.” Just because one person experienced pregnancy a certain way, doesn’t mean you will, too. Just because someone had a horrific, paralyzing experience with multiple ER visits to receive fluids due to their intense nausea, doesn't mean you’ll end up with an IV in your arm, too. Just because one person experienced constant joy and excitement and little to no fear, doesn’t mean you will, and just because someone else’s experience was full of chaos and misery, doesn’t mean yours will be, too. Not one person’s experience is the same as another’s, and while maybe similar for some, each journey is still individually different and their own. And, the best part of all, not one of these experiences are “right” vs “wrong.” If you notice yourself going into distorted thinking and comparing yourself, your body, and your experience to another’s, remember that you are built uniquely different, just like you are supposed to be.
Which leads me to my final, yet vital piece of advice:
4) There is not one particular way you “should” feel.
Pregnant or not—saying you “should” feel this and you “should” feel that is a distorted way of thinking, which I talk about in a previous article that you can find here. The truth is, there is not one “right” way to feel and there isn’t a “wrong” way to feel. What comes up for you is unique to you, and each and every feeling should be welcomed with open arms. Of course, some feelings may be more heavier than others, like anxiety, sadness, anger, grief, and doubt, but to shun these feelings because society says you “should” feel differently may only reinforce those very feelings you are trying to push down. What we resist, persists. May we allow ourselves to feel every and all emotions that come up for us, give them space, acknowledge their presence, feel them in the body, and allow them to move through you. Not one feeling is constant and will remain persistent 24/7. Feelings are fluid, and just because society believes one thing, doesn’t mean you have to, too.
The journey through pregnancy is unique and individualized to the person who is experiencing it. While some women may offer their advice, remember that you have the option to listen or not. At the end of the day, majority of women who share their stories are trying to help in the best way they know how, like I mentioned before. But take what resonates, and leave the rest.
