Fighting The Current Can Drown You

I find myself with my head above water, my feet frantically kicking as I try to dog paddle to shore. I just want a break, I think to myself as I try to catch my breath. But despite my determination to get to the lakeside, the current is too strong and continues to pull me further. The current flows downstream, pulling me into the unknown and I fear a waterfall is approaching. I can’t imagine what is to come, for I cannot see what lies ahead. This current, already powerful and full of might, splashes me back and forth, against the rocks by my side and below. If I can’t get to the side, I will keep swimming upriver. I can’t go down this waterfall, surely I cannot handle the fall. But this fight is drowning me faster than a possible waterfall ever would. Is a waterfall even approaching? Or is it a story that my mind has created to try to keep me protected?

I sit here typing this article in my backyard in north Texas with a sinus infection. It’s a cloudy, windy day, but with a temperature of high 60’s. It’s quite nice, actually, not too hot, not too cold, but a thin sweater, sweatpants, a hot cup of tea, and a hat to shade my eyes is doing just the trick. I would be working right now, but my company decided to put me on a mandatory medical leave without a warning. I’ve been without work for 4 days now, and I have found myself in quite the pickle. Even if I am accepted back to work, how long will I last there? The pain I have been experiencing continues to increase as the days go on, and I fear it will only get worse.

I am about 14 weeks pregnant and I already have been experiencing complications that worry me so. Before I found out I was pregnant, around week 5, I had been noticing a sharp pain in my tailbone. Kind of like the feeling you would get if you went ice skating and fell straight on your ass. That feeling. We all know the one. Why does my butt hurt so bad? I wondered as I walked through my workplace. Well come to find out I am pregnant. This was the first sign of many that had led me to take the test to confirm.

I was filled with a swarm of emotions from all different ends of the spectrum. Excitement, fear, happiness, anxiety, joyful, confused, grateful, and doubtful. I will save the journey of pregnancy  for another article, but for now, I’d like to draw the attention back to my tailbone that quite literally feels like it may or may not fall off.

Since finding out about my growing baby, this pain in my rear has continued to increase. I work a very physical job that requires me to lift, push, and pull heavy boxes, and squat, bend, and stand for hours on end. My original plan was to work at my current job up until my belly was about to pop—this way I can continue to make income to help pay the bills with my husband, as well as use my company’s insurance to help provide for the baby. A master plan, I thought. But as the weeks go by, the pain increases. So much so, that there are some days where I am limping by the end of the night, and can barely even walk.

I went to my doctor during week 12 to get more blood tests done. When the doctor came to check the baby’s heart rate, she couldn’t find it. Panic, of course, flooded my vessel.

“Let’s do another ultrasound to see what’s going on,” she said.

Alas, baby is alive and well. Come to find out, my baby is growing toward my spine and my uterus is tilted back. Hence, why we couldn’t find the baby. This isn’t anything “uncommon.” According to Cleveland Clinic, about 25% of women have a retroverted uterus. But in my case, my uterus is pressing on my sciatic nerve.

I’ve heard the horror stories of women who experienced debilitating and paralyzing sciatica during pregnancy, including my own mother. But the stories usually take place later in pregnancy, closer to 5-6 months and so on. And, according to Dr. Google, the uterus can correct itself on its own, usually around 10-12 weeks if you’ve been experiencing it early. But I’m almost 14 weeks and the pain is only getting worse. Will my uterus shift on its own? My doctor didn't sound hopeful, in fact she said I will have a smaller bump than average and she said herself my pain may increase, especially in the third trimester.

My doctor filled out a work status form for me and my job with some restrictions, considering the pain that was interfering with my work. However, HR denied the requests and put me on immediate medical leave instead. Frantic, I sit here awaiting HR to return my call, as I have been back and forth with doctor forms, my work, and trying to get back.

But even when and if I go back, what happens down the line? If the pain increases, my master plan may be hopeless. I have to listen to my body, and my body is in pain. I will be forced to find another job that supports me physically and financially, maybe a remote position?

But what if I can’t find a job?

What if I can’t afford my bills?

What if I can’t afford rent?

What if my husband resents me for the struggle I’m putting us through? (Despite zero evidence of this except for my own distorted thinking and him being the most supportive husband and human to have ever existed.)

What if everyone thinks I’m milking it and I’m making it up?

What if I am milking it and I should just tough it out? I mean heck, I can still technically walk, minus the limp. Am I really just weak?

What if it isn’t sciatica and something is seriously wrong with our baby?

What if we go bankrupt and can’t afford our home, let alone our growing baby?

What if, what if, what if?

There it is, the monkey mind at it again. Flooding my mind with stories. Drowning me deeper into the river.

I find myself in a sense of urgency, fighting the “current” of my current reality and getting caught  in anxiety’s web as I try so very hard to predict what’s coming. But then I was reminded by a co-worker of mine—

What if this is happening for a greater reason than I can understand yet? What if God is having me take a step back to refocus my attention on something else? Something I can’t see yet? Perhaps it’s my entrepreneur journey, my author path, or simply a road that will guide me to something I’ve been hoping and praying for? What if I’m experiencing sciatica as a way to force myself from strenuous tasks and rest while our baby develops? What if this is all part of the plan? He reminded me that God would not have blessed us with this baby if He knew we couldn't handle it. Heck, we’ve been not “not” trying for years, and finally, out of nowhere, our blessing arrives? I didn't even know if I could have a baby with so many health issues I struggled with in the past. But lo and behold, baby Savage is here.

What if I surrender to the current and let the flow take me where it’s destined to go? Instead of fighting the current, perhaps floating and allowing the water to guide me where I’m supposed to go is truly the answer to all my questions?

What if there really isn’t a waterfall at the end of the river, but rather a door that leads me to my next divine chapter? What if it’s just a story that my mind has created to try to predict the unknown future? Isn’t that the nature of anxiety? The fear of the unknown?

As humans, we crave certainty because it gives us a sense of security and safety. If we just know what the future holds, we can better prepare for it because we will know exactly what to expect. But isn’t that the complete opposite of what life is all about?

Doesn’t that go completely against our core nature and what God intended for us? Isn’t being human to experience the journey and all the mysteries that come with it? In the spirit, it is timeless. We can have anything we want in an instant because to be in spirit is to be in the all-knowing. But here, in the physical reality, we get to experience the process of discovery. Darryl Anka, who explains Bashar’s perspective on Next Level Soul Podcast, says “…that’s what physical reality is for, to experience the process of discovering something. That’s what allows you the experience of newness, where as in spirit, everything is there, you have access to it all immediately…” (21:00) This is not to say Bashar is a liable source, but these words do hold wisdom. When we learn to flow with the current rather than try to control the direction of the water, we can float at ease. We don’t need to struggle with the direction life is taking us. If we can lean into trust and surrender to what is in this “current” moment, we may come to find that what lies at the end of the river is not the big, scary waterfall that we imagined, but rather a calm riverbank awaiting the breath for you to catch, the breath that has been with you the whole time. And if it is a waterfall, trust that you will survive and you will be okay. Trying to figure out what is at the end of the river by fighting against the current is only going to tire you out more.

The future is unknown, so enjoy the process. Trust that you are being taken where you need to go. Float on, despite the fear.